The Bleak House You Did Not See

by Scarlet Baldy
 

RATING: G

CATEGORY: straitjacket worthy humour.

KEYWORDS: past life's a bitch.

SUMMARY: Lady Dedlock gets a bit confused...

NOTES:there used to be another part where Tulkinghorn confronted lady Dedlock, but unfortunately I did not save it and then Haven crashed. I'm hoping that one day someone finds out that they did save the thread where it had been posted, but I'm not holding my breath.

***
Part 1

Lady Dedlock: 'Esther, I'm your mother' (frowns at letter in her hand) 'but...but according to this, I *am* Emily's mother..(tear runs down cheek)'

Esther: 'I do not understand'

Lady Dedlock: ' Show me your neck, child'

Esther: 'Why?'

Lady Dedlock: ' Did you contract smallpox after you were stung by a bee?'

Esther: 'Er...no'

Lady Dedlock: 'Were your motor functions affected, did you have a funny taste in the back of your mouth?'

Esther: ' WHAT?'

Lady Dedlock: ' Green blood, shortness of breath perhaps?'

Esther: 'Shortness of breath? You mean like you now?'

Lady Dedlock: ' Don't mock me child, it's called 'acting'.'

Esther: 'Sure, fine, whatever.'

(Enters Rosa)

Rosa: 'Im sorry Lady Dedlock but I did not find the item you asked for, the er... torch-light.'

Lady Dedlock: (sighing) ' How they expect me to run around in cemetaries, looking for an unmarked grave, I do not know.' (looks down) Hey, my shoe laces are untied.

Esther: (puzzled) Are you unwell my Lady?'

Lady Dedlock: 'I'm fine.' (Cue pout & blank - I'm really thinking about my next fag but my fans will see all their hopes and fears mirrored in my eyes - gaze)

***

Part 2.

Beyond the gate of the cemetary, the ghosts of LADY DEDLOCK and NEMO are standing side by side witnessing ESTHER crying over her mother's dead body.

LADY DEDLOCK (all tight-necked and annoyed pout):"That's it? I run for a few hours in the rain and I die?"

NEMO: (taking her hand in his) "I'm afraid so, my Love."

LADY DEDLOCK: (grumbling) "This isn't fair, it's not like I had a nosebleed and went into Hypovolemic shock or something!"

NEMO: "Uh?"

LADY DEDLOCK: (waving her hand) "Oh, never mind."

NEMO: (soothingly): "I think you need to rest my love."

LADY DEDLOCK: (somberly)"Who are these men who would create a life whose only hope was to die?"

NEMO: "Ah...erm, one man, actually, and that would be Dickens, my Love"

LADY DEDLOCK: (narrowing eyes) "Does he smoke?"

NEMO: "Uh, I don't know, why do you ask?"

LADY DEDLOCK: (brushing a speck of dirt off her damp red dress)"Oh, it's nothing... just a hunch." (Looking at ESTHER crying) "Poor thing, she looks so sad. I'm sorry I never got the chance to really know her, this child of mine...that wasn't meant to be."

NEMO: "But the fact that you found her... and had a chance to love her... Then maybe she was meant for that too."

LADY DEDLOCK: "You are not making much sense, Dear."

NEMO:"Hey, cut me some slack, Darling, I'm a ghost, my brain looks like a blue jellyfish ."

LADY DEDLOCK: " Fair enough." (looking at ESTHER) "Well now, we just have to hope my daughter learns from our tragedy and doesn't gets pregnant out of wedlock."

NEMO:"Oh, I'm pretty sure she's still a virgin, don't you?"

LADY DEDLOCK:"Certainly. She's not even a blonde."

NEMO:"Ada's blonde."

LADY DEDLOCK just stares at him with a smirk.

NEMO: (shrugging)"OK, point taken."

LADY DEDLOCK: "So what now, my Love?"

NEMO:"We...go on."

A bright white light appears behind them in the cemetary. They turn towards it, holding hands and start walking.

LADY DEDLOCK: "Do you think we'll remain together?"

NEMO: (eyes glazing over) "Yes. The souls... come back together... different... but always together... again and again... to learn. But love... love... souls mate eternal..."

LADY DEDLOCK: (rolling her eyes) "You have got to stop taking opium, Dear."

NEMO: (blinking and kissing her palm) " I promise, my Love."

LADY DEDLOCK: (moodily) "Well, wherever we're going, I hope that I'll be able to run for miles this time - and in *heels* at that!" (running her hands through her wet hair)"And I hope it'll be DRY!!! You hear me up there?"

They disappear into the white light.

CUE: two FBI agents argue in a Cemetary under the pouring rain.

SCULLY: "And the force summoned Theresa Nemman's body into the woods tonight."

MULDER: "Yes, but it was Billy Miles who took her there, summoned by some alien impulse. That's it!"

SCULLY, drenched to the bones, throws her head back and laugh.

MULDER: (grinning) "Come on, let's get out of there..."

The End.

TAN TAN TAAAAANNN!!!

* throwing pink plastic flamingo in the ocean, whistling 'Someday, beyond the sea'*