SUMMARY: We just couldn't let them go without saying goodbye!

RATING: R

SPOILERS: Season 4

DISCLAIMER: Any resemblance to actual characters and events, borrowed or original, is completely deliberate on our part.

AUTHORS' NOTES: It was a bad case of ergot poisoning...


**********

Scene: MULDER on phone


MULDER: "Where the hell have you been?"

VOICE ON THE PHONE: "Well, first I went to have my nails done, then I went to the hairdresser - you wouldn't *believe* the work to get that shade of red! Then I put a mighty dent in my G-woman salary when I saw that Manolo Blahnik sale across the street while I was on the stakeout…"

MULDER <sighing>: "Scully, give that phone back to Skinner right now."

SCULLY:  "You don't want to know how I spent the night?"

MULDER <firm>: "Give that phone back to Skinner."

SCULLY: "I was a bad girl."

Some struggling and laughter on the line.

SKINNER: "Mulder it's me."

MULDER: "Finally!"


**********

Scene: SKINNER'S office


SCULLY:  "Are we talking double standards here, sir? It's okay for you to pick up some pox ridden whore at a bar but I can't accept a dinner invitation from a guy I just met?"

SKINNER: "Er…Scully? That's not the line."

SCULLY <turning towards THE AUTHORS and blushing>:  "Oh. I'm *so* sorry."


**********


Scene: THE AUTHORS' office


MULDER: "Listen. You need to just let it go. Scully and I have talked this over and we feel like this is the right time for the horizontal mambo."

ALOYSIA: "No."

SCARLET: "Utterly out of the question."

ALOYSIA: "Besides, she just scored with Ed last week. Take it easy, Scully."

SCULLY: "You can't prove a damn thing. It was all very vague."

MULDER pats her shoulder comfortingly.

SCARLET <rolling her eyes>: "Do not even go there with me. Anyway, this is a casefile. A season four casefile. You people don't get it on for years."

SCARLET scans through the timeline.

SCARLET: "See? Look at this! You haven't even done the bee thing in the hallway yet. Sex would directly conflict with canon."

MULDER: "Bee, schmee. Forget that crap. The creators of our universe couldn't tell you when we finally did the naked pretzel if their lives depended on it. You're denying our petition based on a bug?"

SCULLY: "Bees aren't technically bugs, Mulder. True bugs are in the order Hemiptera and are, in part, distinguished by the proboscis configuration of their sucking mouth parts. Bees are in the order Hymenoptera."

MULDER: "It is so hot when you do that."

SCULLY blushes and picks an invisible thread off of her jacket.

ALOYSIA: "I'm sorry, but I have to concur with Scarlet. There's just no way."

SCULLY and MULDER smirk at one another.

MULDER: "Fine. Be that way. But don't come crying to us if she hops in bed with Wickham and the fangirls kick your asses."

SCULLY <examining her nails casually>: "He *is* rather attractive."

MULDER: "He's a stud. And that lab chick? What's her name?"

SCULLY: "Karen."

MULDER: "Right, Karen. Karen's a babe. And she's all science-y too. I dig that."

SCULLY puts her hands on Scarlet's desk and leans forward, looking dangerous.

SCULLY: "Don't make us threaten you."

MULDER: "It's so ugly. I like when everyone can get along."

ALOYSIA and SCARLET exchange a weary glance.


**********

Scene: Autopsy bay


MULDER <out of breath>: "I know where the hearts are."

Stops and stares at WICKHAM lying on top of  SCULLY on autopsy table.

SCULLY <feigning surprise>: "Oh, honey, it's not what it looks like."

WICKHAM: "If we're still looking for breasts, I'm way ahead of y- " *slap*  "Ow!"

SCULLY: "Watch it, Jack. I can snap your trigger finger like a bamboo shoot."

WICKHAM <shrugging at MULDER> : "I'm in love."

MULDER <waving hand dismissively and heading back outside> : "Oh you two are a riot, honestly."


**********


Scene: Parking lot at the Maryland State Medical Examiner's Office


SCULLY: "Nice car, boys. Did you beat up a struggling pimp and steal his ride?"

MULDER: "Don't be a hater."

WICKHAM: "Agent Scully? Do you have a mirror in your pocket?"

SCULLY: "No, I'm sorry, I don't. Why?"

WICKHAM: "Because I can see myself in your pants."

SCULLY looks disgusted.

MULDER: "Come on Scully, you don't need this. Let's go grab a few beers. We'll play a drinking game. It's called, 'Drink 'til you fuck me.' "

SCULLY grinds her heel into MULDER'S foot.

WICKHAM: "Serious question. While we're at the ME's office, I was wondering if you dissect insects as well as humans."

SCULLY <suspiciously>: "Insects?"

WICKHAM: "Yeah, I thought you might want to take a look inside my fly."

SCULLY removes her gun from the pancake holster.

MULDER: "Lame. You know, my b-ball homies call me Milk, Scully."

SCULLY <sighing>: "Because you're white?"

MULDER: "Because I'll do your body good."

WICKHAM: "I think this has gone far enough. Agent Scully, I must apologize for my unprofessional conduct. And, may I add, that suit is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be coming too."

MULDER: "I'm going to beg to differ on that one. That suit isn't becoming on you at all, Scully. It would look much better on my hotel floor in about an hour."

SCULLY racks the slide on her Sig Sauer P228.


**********


Scene: MULDER'S hotel room


SCARLET: "CUT! Where is Scully?"

MULDER: "She's on the floor again. You guys can't let her drink like this. She's not used to it."

SCULLY <lying on the floor and giggling>: "Over here. Ow."  

SCARLET: "Get up, Scully. Last time, come on."

SCULLY <whining>: "These jamamas are too slipp'ry.  Why I have to wear satin?"

ALOYSIA: "Hey, at least we let you skip the usual push-up bra and full make-up."

SCARLET and ALOYSIA confer briefly.

ALOYSIA: "Wardrobe! Someone get her out of those stupid satin pajamas. Don't we have anything in cotton? She keeps sliding off the damn bed."

COSTUME SUPERVISOR: "I'm sorry, but Mr. Carter has always been fairly strict. We only have satin in her size. And some silk. She doesn't get flannel for three years."

SCULLY tries to lie down next to MULDER again and slides back down to the floor.

MULDER: "Scully? Are you okay?"

SCULLY: "...and I helped him drink his wine! And he always had some mighty fine wine..."

SCARLET: "Well, we can't leave her like this. It's ridiculous. Mulder, do you have anything she can wear?"

MULDER: "Uh, some running shorts and a t-shirt, I guess."

ALOYSIA <rifles through MULDER'S bags and pulls out shorts and a t-shirt>: "Red Stripe? What the hell, Mulder?"

MULDER: "I'm a big supporter of the Jamaican bobsled team, mon."

SCARLET: "All right, people! Places. Scully, we're going to get you into shorts and a t-shirt, so just hang in there. Aaaaand ACTION!"

SCULLY: "Muuuulder was a bullfrog…."


**********


Scene: Sticky Fingers Boutique


RICK: "Dude, you can't wear that shirt. That's fucked up even by your standards."

JASPER: "I'm a serial killer! I'm totally badass."

RICK: "Here, look at this one. 'Read this shirt, buy the next round. I don't make the rules, I just wear the shirt.' That's funny, right?"

JASPER: <dramatically> "It has no depth. No soul. See, the Manhunter thing worked on, like, two different levels. The Nick Cave shirt was cool because he just released his Murder Ballads album. Black Sabbath because of the whole grimoire-black magic thing, and duh on the manslaughter one.  That drink shirt says nothing about who I am."

RICK: "Yes, but 'Women are like parking spots. They're whores and liars?' I think that's a bit much. Plus it really tips your hand."

JASPER: <sighing> "Fine. What about this one? It says, 'I know violence isn't the answer. I got it wrong on purpose.' "

RICK: "Jasper?"

JASPER: "Yeah?"

RICK: "Keep looking."


**********


Scene: Maryland State Medical Examiner's Office


SCULLY opens vending room door to find MULDER and KAREN in flagrante delicto.

SCULLY: "Well, well, well. Looks like you two are making quite a bit of headway on the case. So to speak."

MULDER: "Oh, you're one to talk. Fetching a snack to help Wickham keep his stamina up?"

KAREN: "I think I'd better go."

MULDER: "No."

SCULLY: "Don't worry about it, Karen. I have work to do anyway."

KAREN:  "Actually, I have work too. I need to get those tubes out of the thermocycler in five minutes."

SCULLY : "That's okay, by my calculation you should be left with 3 minutes to spare."

SCULLY purchases a bag of Utz potato chips, stalks from the room.

MULDER: "Now, that was cold."

ALOYSIA: "Shit."

SCARLET: "Like we needed a rift now…"

ALOYSIA: "Remember Comity?"

SCARLET <nods>: "They say it took months for them to even look at each other after that one."

ALOYSIA: "You don't think we should…"

SCARLET: "...give in?"

ALOYSIA: "Yeah."

SCARLET: "Like we have a choice."


**********


SCENE: Train station


SCARLET: "You two come down RIGHT NOW!"

ALOYSIA: "What's going on?"

SCARLET <shaking head in despair> : "Look where they are!"

ALOYSIA: "They're on the train roof? What the hell are they..." <Freezes and listens. Turns towards SCARLET>  "Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me!"

SCARLET <wincing>: "And he can't sing any better than her."

ALOYSIA <eyes wide>: "Is that…"

SCARLET <burying head in hands>: " 'My Heart Will Go On.' Yes."

MULDER & SCULLY both standing at the edge of the roof with arms extended.

MULDER: "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

SCULLY: "Near, far, wherever you aaaaaaare, I believe that the heart does go ooooooon…"

SCARLET: "Bastards."

ALOYSIA <looking at watch>: "We're going to miss the sunset."

SCARLET <dejected>: "We'll have to wait for the morning now."

ALOYSIA: "Listen, they've stopped."

SCARLET: "That, or someone shot them."

ALOYSIA: "I see legs dangling now. Come on."

The Authors approach the train cautiously. A wrapper falls at their feet.

SCARLET: "Scully? What are you doing."

SCULLY: "Eating a burger."

ALOYSIA <rolling eyes at SCARLET who shrugs>: "And why are you eating a burger on a train roof, while we are waiting for you to wrap this up?"

SCULLY: "I need iron."

SCARLET: "Come down, do the scene and I'll buy you a nice T-bone."

SCULLY: "Cheapskate."

SCARLET: "Okay, how about…"

ALOYSIA <whispering>: "Don't say 'venison'."

SCARLET: "…Chateaubriand?"

ALOYSIA: "Why do you need iron?"

SCULLY <leaning forward and narrowing eyes>: "You people have bled me half to death. I'm severely anemic right now and quite dizzy."

ALOYSIA: "She's got a point."

SCARLET <sighing>: "And where's Mulder?

SCULLY: "Daily Grind for those little cream cheese danishes. He thinks if he doesn't show up for the goodbye you won't send me away."

ALOYSIA  <yelling>: "FOX MULDER! If you don't get over here right this minute, you are in very serious trouble, mister."

SCARLET<shouting>: "We're writing Frohike slash if you don't come back NOW!"

MULDER <running back>: "Oh God. I swear, I'll be good. Look, I brought you pastry. See? I'm being nice."

ALOYSIA  <darkly>: "You're on warning, my friend."

SCARLET: "Oooh, is that an éclair?"


**********


Scene: JASPER's basement


JASPER: "up urz, ceiling cat! basement cat, i can haz venjintz nao?"

WICKHAM: "o hai. im in ur lare, freein ur doodz."

WICKHAM shoots JASPER, then frees MULDER and CECILIA.

MULDER: "o hai wikkum."

WICHKAM: "jaspr? srsly?"

MULDER: "srsly."

WICKHAM: "wtf? hey, i can haz skulee nao?"

MULDER: "no, u can haz beerz and cheezburgrz. i wil buyz u dem."

WICKHAM: "disapoyntid wikkum iz disapoyntid."

MULDER: "don' be takin' mah skulee."

JASPER: <looking up from the floor>: "omgz, wikkum. FAIL."


**********


Scene - JASPER's basement


Mulder lifts the curtain leading to the altar room.

VOICE #1: "Say what you want pretty boy, I will not fold."

VOICE#2: "You can't keep this up forever. I know you're bluffing."

VOICE#1: "What are you now, psychic?"

VOICE#2: "Hey, could that be an X-File?"

VOICE#1: "A pretty lame one, they've had more psychic cases than you can shake a stick at."

VOICE#2: "If it's Agent Scully doing the shaking I won't mind."

VOICE#1: "I'm sure you wouldn't."

MULDER enters the room. SKINNER and WICKHAM are playing cards over the altar, smoking cigars.

MULDER: "Oh, come on guys!"

SKINNER: "Hey Mulder, where have you been?"

WICKHAM: "Sit down, have a cigar. Jasper's at the dentist, he should be back in an hour."

MULDER: "What?"

SKINNER <counting his chips>: "Tooth decay has no mercy for serial killlers."

WICKHAM: "And the sacrificial knife is over here, just in case you feel like stabbing me in the back again."

MULDER <sighing>: "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

WICKHAM <chewing on his cigar and looking at his cards>: "Nope."

SKINNER: "And neither will I."

MULDER <clutching his heart>: "Oh, Walter, we talked about this."

SKINNER: "Smartass."

MULDER <batting his lashes at WICKHAM>: "Ours is the love that dare not speak its name."

SKINNER: "Mine is the foot that's gonna kick your ass."

WICKHAM <shaking head>: "Why Scully is still working with you two is a mystery."

MULDER: "We're not real clear on it ourselves. Her life just gets increasingly worse. We have this baby who  - "

SKINNER: "Please don't knock her up, Mulder. Let the woman have a little dignity. Don't make her trail around after you pregnant."

MULDER: "No, it's okay. I get abducted by aliens and killed first."

WICKHAM: "I'll pay her a little visit then. Keep her company for you. Pregnant women put out, you know. Have any threes, Walter?"

SKINNER: "Go fish."

The End.